Day 7 of Continuing Recovery

When there is a decision to make and the right choice is not clear, I am learning to explore alternatives as research, rather than struggling and agonizing over what to do. I’m learning to wait for the right decision.

Before weighing and measuring my food, I never could hold onto the knowledge that I really had a choice about most things. Gregory had his big (one and only) seizure at 4:00 a.m. on July 5, 2006. The seizure was so big that he fractured a vertebrae and he stopped breathing. I resuscitated him. That morning, an MRI showed an arterial venous malformation (AVM) in the right parietal region of his brain. More testing showed it had multiple aneurysms. In my mind, his AVM could blow at any time and, if it did, we were told it would be fatal or leave him with severe deficits.

Gregory did what he always does. He asked questions. He sat with it. He did the research. He looked at the statistics and decided he had time to decide among the various recommendations, options for treatments, and practitioners. He communicated with experts all over the world.

Meanwhile, I thought maybe a particular treatment with an internationally known doctor might be the right one. We went to Pittsburgh, saw the doctor and he was a total jerk—the rudest person I have ever met. Still I struggled. Could we get past this man’s obvious personal defects? Our family doctor said no. She said this man wouldn’t be there for us if there was ever a problem. I immediately knew she was right and I let go of this option.

I was still worried. I wanted a decision soon. Gregory made his decision in December, 5 months later. He made the decision when he felt sure it was the right one. It was the right one.

We went to New York, and he had brain surgery in January 2007. It was completely successful. He’s fine now.

I remember my therapist telling me something amazing when I was struggling to leave a really bad relationship. She said I could stop struggling because I would know what to do at a certain point. I could just wait until then. I knew she had my back. She was watching over me. I would do what I needed to do to protect myself and eventually I would leave. A few months later, I broke off the relationship. It was hard. I went through withdrawal. It took my readiness and the help of good friends to leave in the right way.

I learned the same thing again when Gregory and I were looking for a house to buy. I would walk into every house thinking, how can I make this work?? Ugh. I would feel awful looking at these houses I didn’t like very much as if because it was there and I could afford it I would have to take it. Finally, Gregory said that I would know it when I walked into the right house and to stop trying to make a wrong house work. And he had the faith that the right house would come along.

I think that’s a big part of this ability to wait for the right thing–the faith that there’s something out there that’s right for me, and I don’t always have to make do.

Right for me doesn’t necessarily mean perfect. But I know right when I see it. I feel it in my body. Everything calms down. That’s how I feel about my 12 Step Program. It’s not perfect. It’s hard. I have to make effort. I often question, but in my most centered, quiet, peaceful moments, I know it’s the right thing for me right now. It is transformative. It calms me down. The results are all good. Thank you, G-d.

Love & Light,

Valerie